I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
