I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
