I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
