Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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