I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
