I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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