I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
my poor anus
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
