The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
