Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
