Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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