I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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