my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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