party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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