was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
