I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
