A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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