You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
