No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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