its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
