Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Randomize
