We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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