I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
