i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
