I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
