The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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