things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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