Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
