Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
