Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
