Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
