I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i would one night stand the shit outta him
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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