Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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