How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
