i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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