Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
