I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
