And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
