If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
