If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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