Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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