someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
