The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
