Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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