I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
