Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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