Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
