Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
...so i touched it.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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