i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Nobody cheats on THIS.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
