I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
