I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
