I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I think weed is turning my hair brown
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
