For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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