It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
