life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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