the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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