I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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