I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
