There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
